Battle Hymn of the Hoa
Sunday, June 15, 2014 Saye, Yaretzi, Ximena and Salvador after the Sunday school at the local Catholic church. A. R. I. of salutation.}} * : 'Ello kids! 'Ow was yer day? * : Good! * : Could be better! [Saye elbows him.] * : I thought it was fun. * : Wot d'ye do... An' wot d'ye make? * : We made crosses! * : And painted them! * : I painted for him! * : They look lovely! Let me 'ang 'em up at our window 'n' let the world see yer marvellous creations! *'The Four': Yay! * : [to Saye] An' to let our 'ouse actually look presentable. [They exit to the car park, where Pen and the other kids are waiting in the car.] * : I swear every time I come here everyone stares at me. * : Funny, I says the same thing yesterday when ye was a-sellin' cookies. * : We weren't selling cookies! * : We were going around town with Grandpa, checking people's doors. * : You mean the meh-zot? * : Y'means the mezu-''zot''? * : Dude! * : Sorry. * : Can we spin the wheel already? * : Oh yes, the wheel! [She presents a wheel with nine of the children's names on it. She spins it many times: it lands on Citlali, Ximena, Sio and Yaretzi.] * : That's who'll be at Hebrew school next week. * : Simple as thet. I suppose 'tis one o' the bonuses o' leadin' a h'interfaith relationship. [to the kids] Kids, when you're older, geh' an' follow yer 'eart, jus' geh' an' do'e! Monday, June 16 * : I'm bored? What can we do? * : Eat lunch? It is lunchtime. Though I am kind of full that Lallie gave me some sushi. * : Omg, I love sushi! I got some of it yesterday! * : You were in Tokyo again? * : Yes, and I got you gifts! * : Yay! [Mia gets out some gifts.] * : A map of the subway for Shelly, and a Torii gate statue for Saeee-chan! * : Aww, thanks! * : Or as the Japanese say, itadakimasu. * : That means gratitude. Not that * : You didn't have to do this! You're, like, sounding like my sister with that Japanese stuff! * : Well, I heard your father collects Collect the World statuettes. * : Oh, thanks! [looks towards] Shelly, are you doing that thing again? * : Look at them. * : Chocolatey and Popsicley your cast-mates? * : They're so cool, but I never talk to them. * : What about on * : Somebody else wrote these lines. * : How don't you get this showbiz stuff? * : Then I'm going to actually talk to them. * : You do that! [The bell rings.] * : Oh no! Gotta study for finals. * : Maybe some other day. * : Yeah. [close up to her mouth] Maybe some other day. * : And that's why you're always doing tie-dyes wrong. * : If I can help you with your Sports Day uniforms, I'll show you the proper way. * : Okay, Miss Kenya! * : Well, I have to learn about worldly traditions! * : You mean world traditions? * : We're in the same class. [They see Pencil waiting outside. A. R. I. of salutation.] * : Aw, you've come back! An' with a gift! * : Aye! It's a torii gate; Mia got it for me in Japan. Shall I hang it up by the window? * : Oh, about thet... [She points up by the window which has been pixelated with a yellow sign with words on it. The rest of the family walk over.] * : What happened here? * : Our window! * : It's... it's been epistolated! * : Pixelated? * : I'm going inside to get a better look. [By the window, Pen is moving the objects by the window. Cil is with him.] * : Goo! * : This is unbelievable! Everything is still there, but when I'm outside * : Dad? * : Oh, you're home from school! * : It's so, like, crazy, it looks like a filter outside! * : A what? * : Filters! They're this new thing on my phone. They make your pictures look all funny. * : How do I not know what that is? * : I don't know; you don't have a job and you still don't do research on what's cool! [Outside.] * : Should we touch it? * : Duh! [He throws a red ball at the pixelated surface. It comes out as a red cube.] * : I don't think so! * : Then what does it say? * : I've ta'en a picture o'e. [reads] "Due to this neighbourhood's strict prohibition 'gains' these types o' symbols, we've censored this section o' yer 'ouse." Wot the . * : What? * : But why'd they take down our display right after we put the kids' crosses there? * : I think they have something against us. * : Maybe... I should geh' to the bottom o' this, yeah? * : Can we do it later? I need to make some more shirts. * : Sure, but until I find out wot'n'ale's 'appenin', no one's leavin' this 'ouse except fer school. * : That's not fair, I've got to prep for the engineering competition. * : And I'm mentoring Sports Day! * : Mmpt! * : I mean, that can totally wait. * : Yeah, like, totally. * : Y'know wot they says There are strengths in numbers. Why'lse d'ye thinks I's so popular back when? [Yaretzi opens her mouth.] * : Don' answer thet, me kid. [She pats her head affectionately.] Tuesday, June 17 * : Happy second-to-last day of lunch! * : Yeah ... happy. * : One day you'll get to talk to them, I promise. * : Does anyone want to hear about Japan? * : Ihea. I-heehee. How is it again? * : Hai? Anyway, I've got another token of gratitude of y'all. [She hands two green amulets to her friends.] * | }}: Thank you! * : What is it? * : They're called omamori. Yours, Saye, that's a kaiun. It means good luck. And Shelly, you've got a enmusubi. It means one day you'll get someone who will love you forever. * : I need that now. * : Are these, like, religious? * : Kind of. I got this at the Hello Spriti store. That's not a problem, dibâ? * : No, I change religions, like, every week pretty much. * : Whaaaaaaa * : Shut up, they're here. * : Go ahead then! * : Make your move! * : Really? Me? [quickly] Because I have a lot of reasons why I shouldn't talk to them. As in, like, they're popular and I hang out with you people, not like that's a bad thing since that came out of my mouth, but [The bell rings.] * : No! [Popsicley and Chocolatey walk in their direction, but Chocolatey accidentally drops one of the pearls on her earrings by the table. Saye looks at the pearl and nonchalantly takes it.] * : Thanks, Lallie, for teaching us the proper way to tie a dye. * : Did you memorise that? * : Oh! Lallie! I want you to have this. It's an e-memory. * : Omamori? * : Oh, whatevs. * : NYA! * : Never make those sounds ever again. *'The other kids': NYA! [Pencil is pointing at the window, unaware that the kids have arrived.] * : Mum! What's going on? * : They they did'e h'again! [The window is pixelated and a sign is posted.] * : You're not screaming. * : That's good! * : Well I'd a mos' interestin' meetin' with someone earlier today! * : Please tell me you didn't beat anyone. * : No. 'N fac', 'twas whils' you were all eatin' lunch. [Flashback.] : : [knocking on a door] Eydie! Eydie, m8, y'ome? [Someone else opens the door.] : : Hello? : : 'Ello, 's Eydie 'ere now? : : No, she is working. But I'm still on my half of the building! : : I'd ter ask 'er a question, but I wishn' to be rude 'Ello, me name's Pencil an' we've jus' moved in! : : People call me Aysun. [Pencil offers her hand to shake, but stops when realising that Aysun has no arms. She instead bows graciously.] : : Oh, I jus' a need to talk o' somethin'. : : Talk away! : : Did you see the way me 'ouse got censored th' other day? It looks so bad thet it mus' 'a gone through Shotofop before 'avin' been built! : : Yeah! In fact, that happened to me too! : : 'Ow? Wot did'ee do? : : My family is Turkish, from Western Yoyleland to be exact. So I decided to hang just a little Turkish flag outside our window, and an hour later I saw it all blurry and a sign said something like "Those symbols aren't allowed here!" : : Omg, thet jus' proves thet they're agains' our beliefs! : : What? My flag isn't even a religious thing! It is a symbol for the bravery of our people. : : So those people 'a' got the power to jus' take ou' somethin' from their sight, jus' acos it ain' agreein' with'ee! 'O'n the name of authority's responsible fer this? : : This is nothing new; it was the same thing when I was living in America! : : 'Twas the work o' who? : : Someone called the H-O-A. I'm sorry but I have to go now. It was nice meeting you! : : Seninle tanışmak güzeldi! [Aysun looks at Pencil returning home, incredulously. End of flashback.] * : An' she didn' e'en mention thet I's on BFDI before! Anyway, 'n now we know the source of e'erythin': Someone called th' HOA. * : Sounds serious. I'm out of here! [Exit Ximena.] * : Who's that? * : I don't know! * : Are you really joking when you said you wouldn't let us out of the house? * : No, I'm bein' serious! * : Like always. * : But Mum, you can't make me stay! I have to practise my essay on tolerance, and Mia's house is the perfect place! * : You could always practise 'ere righ' now. * : We're all ears! * : No thanks, I'm good. I wouldn't be pictured dead with that piece of nonsense. [Exit Saye.] Wednesday, June 18 * : Here it is! The last lunch of the year! * : And yet, they're still doing the club advertisements. * : Hey, where's Saye? * : I don't know desu. * : Oh my Pre-Cambrian, will you stop that? * : Sorry. Anyway, want to know where we're going for summer break? * : Japan, again? * : No, it's an all-access cruise to Uruguay! * : Mia, can you find her for me? I have some business to do. * : Sure! [As this is happening, Saye is talking with Pin.''If there were a live audience watching, the reaction would be applause.] * : H-O-A? * : Hoa, that's exactly who I am! * : What do you even do? * : What do you mean? We do the same things as other people! Would you like me to sing it out for you? [''The instrumental to I am the monarch of the sea starts to play.] * : But why would you do that to our house? * : Sorry, can't hear you over the music! ♫ : I'm a Hoa girl, raised and born, Between two groups you'd think I'm torn, From China on one side and Vietnam on the other I've no one else to thank for that except my own mother. *'Chorus': Her mother from the land, Vietnam! * : When I'm asked of what I am, It's hard not to reply with "damn", In its place, I explain with poise the lands that fight like brothers. *'Chorus': Though without a moderator illustrative for their mothers, All occurring in the land, Vietnam! * : I'm a Kenyan lady now, Earn a living here I must somehow, So I say to ev'rybody China, si Vietnam. *'Chorus': But it does a great disservice to her dad and to her mom, To her dual nationalities, suspicious in the calm, And so went the others from the land from Vietnam, Her Sinitic and Annamitic family who came from Vietnam! ♫ [The crowd around her applaud.] * : Wow. That was so good, it makes my essay seem like poo. * : Thanks! It's great how we're on a first-name basis like, an I know where you live basis. * : About that... [Enter Mia.] * : Saye, there you are! * : You've been looking for me? * : No, I saw you! I just re-signed up for, like, seven anime clubs. * : [rolls her eyes] Of course you did. * : Come on, Shelly's going to talk to them now! * : Really? * : Yeah! [They go back to the tables, where Shelly has been on the phone for a while.] * : Yeah, that would be great! Thank you! [She hangs up.] * : [suddenly walking by] For shame! * : Get out of here! * : So what happened? * : We're set up for a party this Saturday! I got us an appointment! * : You have to do an appointment to be with the popular girls? * : They're very exclusive. But Boat sounded willing, so I'm not complaining! * : Cool! [As usual for those days, Popsicley and Chocolatey walk by them.] * : See you at the party * : Girls! [The three squeal in excitement.] * : I'm going to start packing up now! * : I'll camp out outside their house! * : I just need something else to do. * : They're called HOA. These must be the people who have been destroying our house decor! * : They're not destroying decor, they're just * : I realise that now! * : Wow, I can't believe that Pin was the one who did that. * : She seemed to nice on BFDI! * : I think she hated me. * : I got her address! * : Y'know wot we should do? * : Track down her house and go there to ask hey about her motivations behind censoring the self-expression of our living quarters? * : Exactly! * : I'm in, but I'd prefer to watch from the car. * : Kids, we're geh'n now! Saye, she'll watch'ee! * : What? No! I want to see stuff go down! * : But there's nobody h'old enough to babysit the kids! * : I'm thirteen! I watched the little ones a whole lot when Grandma took Saye out shopping all those times. * : I suppose so. * : Yes! We'll be back soon! [The three leave. With Pencil.] * : He lied. That woman never took me out, not even once! * : Alright, 's we really drivin' there? I'd rather walk! * : Yeah, they live far! * : No they don't! * : I don't want to stand out in the streets. Someone could attack me from behind and no one would care. [Beat.] * : Bring us to the car. [Exeunt Pen and Saye.] * : I may need this jus' in case. [She takes Saye's essay.] * : Who is it? * : It's the girl from the club thing! I made you sing? * : Oh my God, it's for me. Ở xa! [Pin opens the door.] * : Hi, welcome to our home! And you brought your mum with you! Yay! Yo Penc, want something to eat? * : Oh, no thanks. * : Cool handcuffs! What's it for? * : Sorry, my mother can get really violent in trying to protect her kids. And her civil liberties. * : Are'ee ther 'Oer er not, Pin? * : Yes, I'm Hoa! Want me to sing it? * : We just have a few questions. From our family to yours. * : Wot makes'ee think ye could jus' 'ate the way we practise? 'As'ee h'a thing agains' some religions? Y'thinks thet some faiths shan' be done 'ere in Kenya? * : What, no! We love all religions! In fact, we're practising Catholics ourselves! * : Omg, really? Thet's so cool, we go to South Nakuru, you? * : Mum, the thing! * : I'm sorry, but I'm totally not the one who did that to your house. It's probably the Nairo3The neighbourhood they live in, mentioned in the episode prior. housing association that did that. * : They're really mean. They fined us because we were speaking "that weird Indian dialect" when a neighbourhood tour was going on. * : Wot? I thought'ee h'all spoke Vietnamese! * : We were! * : It's like they never knew we came from Hue. * : Hue? * : Hue. * : It's in Vietnam. * : An' they call'e? * : Hue. * : Weh? * | }}: Hue. * : Oh, you must be in British mode now! * : I do know in Vietnamese they call'e Huế. * : That's what we've been saying! * : Hue! * : Okay, we solved the mystery of the mispronounced city name, can we go already? * : Oi, thet girl is our friend! From... Huế. * : Okway, I mean, o''kay'', let's go! [A. R. I. of valediction from both sides.] * : Hey, you're back! Finally got your revenge? * : 'Twa'n' e'en them doin' thet. Jus' the work o' the neighbourhood association. * : Then that's where we're going! * : Y'got the number? * : Don't need to. They invited me for tea earlier, remember? * : Oh 'aye, remembers'e says no h'intelligent people allowed. * : Yeah. [Beat.] Eh, what? * : [to the screen] You're wearing the wrong-coloured bicycle helmet! Sound the alarm. The eye-windows on that house are blinking! Burn it off! And now that beeping sound the whole country can hear it! [Pencil breaks the door down, using Pen as a battering ram.] * : Penc, this hurts more than it should. * : [not noticing] Excuse me, nobody should be in here right n [turning around] Hi, neighbours! It's great for you to stop by, but I'm busy. * : Doin' wot? * : Nothing much. I have to patrol our beautiful neighbourhood and rid it of pests. * : That's a very nice job; everyone deserves to be valued * : Enough o' thet, big picture! It was you 'o'd ta'en e'ery chance to destroy 'ow we'd like to do h'our 'ome! * : Destroying it? No, no, no, I'm only making the places you live in even better to outsiders. * : Wot? * : As the chairperson of this Nairo3 Homeowners Association, it is my job to see what people in my neighbourhood are doing wrong. * : Just because you like it? * : Because I like it? No, no, no. It's all about the money. I wouldn't let a little infraction get in the way with my friendship with you two, would I? * : Thet sounds exactly like wot'ee'd do. * : If you'll excuse me, I need to charge the Topedeys because their kids are moving at an alarmingly fast speed. * : Hold on a second! [to Pencil] Homeowners Association? H-O-A! Oh my G-d, we solved the problem! * : I'm ashamed yer delayed response came at this time, but I'm e'en more ashamed thet I ne'er realised'e before. [to Eydie] Yer attitudes are damagin' ter our community! I should 'a' known it was'ee h'in the firs' place yer name's got Ugandan dictator written all o'er'ee! * : I'm not damaging! * : Then wot o' yer 'atred fer other religions? * : I don't hate all religions, dear, though it would be great if it were impossible for potential buyers to identify their neighbours by what they believe in or where they come from. There's so much hate in this world and the only way to reduce that is with conformity! * : Thet's terrible! Ain'ee h'e'er 'eard o' tolerance? * : What? * : [suddenly getting out the essay] "Tolerance. It's a word that I just learned a few days ago. Until then, I was living in a less well-off neighbourhood downtown with my grandmother, with nobody else to talk to except my family. This all changed when I came to Nairo3. I was so surprised to see all of our neighbours having many differences. It really shows just how beautiful the diverse people of our country really are." * : That was... beautiful! * : Yeah, why can't I speak just like my sons? [Pencil elbows him.] * : I really enjoyed your speech, but I can't change the neighborhood rules. * ; Then I'll do the oldest trick in the book! I'll tell your boss! * : No! Not the NARA!A HOA exists in Kenya called the KARA. This one, most likely fictional, represents Nairobi. They have more important things to take care of! * : Well if they have more important things, shouldn't you just care about those things only? * : Aye, don'ee spend yer lives geh'n an' spendin' yer 'ole workin' hours ruinin' the way we run our homes. You won' wan' to lose the position o' Neighbourhood Queen if th'ole town finds o' wot you was doin'! * : Oh, dear! Of course I will change myself, and no longer focus my time on that. * : It's so great we'd thet talk, neighbour! * : Have a nice night, and don't stay out too long, you two! * : Bye! [Exeunt. Eydie looks at her computer system.] * : This system is too invasive. Repurpose it! [At once, the system turns into a regular office computer.] * : Thet was weird. * : At least we got something done today. * : Aye. * : And now, we get back to norm * : [off-screen] WHO OUT OF THE NINE OF YOU STOLE MY ESSAY!? THE END Category:Episodes Category:New episode